What am I doing?!

So, WTF?! Right now I'm all sad and downtrodden because of a girl! I'm not really that down, but the point is this girl shouldn't have an affect on me. I didn't even really like this girl. She's kinda cute and one of the few girls around who is in an age range that I don't feel really dirty and swarmy when I hit on her. Seriously, I wasn't really interested in her at all, she's someone nice who I could kill time with. We have all sorts of small world connections, but I doubt we have very many common interests. She often talked about how she was looking for a guy who would be serious and that she couldn't find any college guys that would. That college guys only want one thing, and that's not marriage. Well, I may not be a college guy, but I definitley don't want marriage right now, and I don't think I want 'just one thing'. I'm freakier than that, I'm sure I can come up with at least two or three things to do...

But the thing is, I was just about to totally come clean with this girl and tell her that I am not the guy that's gonna be serious with her right now. I was gonna tell her that I liked hanging out with her, and we could continue to have fun with each other and see where it goes, but that she shouldn't get her hopes up for anything bigtime.

She beat me to it! But she did it in a chickened out way. She just started to ignore me a little. And don't know that as soon as I start to feel ignored (and I lose control of the situation) is when I want to talk to this girl. So I ask her, "When are we gonna hang out again?"

She sort of wrinles her brow and avoids eye contact for a few seconds and says, "Gee... I'm really bad at this..."

I ask "Bad at what?"

"I think that... it might be better if... we do the just be friends thing."

What the hell?! She was really in to me less than a week before, I mean it seemed like she was really really in to me. So in to me that it was a little off-putting (I like to use this word a lot now that I figured out its not off-pudding). So in to me that I thought it necessary to tell her that I'm not the serious guy she's looking for.

She beat me to it...

So now I ask, "What am I doing?!" because I keep talking to her. I keep flirting with her. Now that she doesn't want me I find that I want her. WTF? Am I seriously that messed up in the head that I only want girls who reject me? REally? I am doomed to horrible relationships becasue the only girls I'm happy with are the ones who don't really like me, and the ones who will go to the ends of the earth for me I could care less about. What happened in my developmental years to make me like this.

I don't know if I can, but I'm gonna blame my dad. Even if this isn't his fault he deserves to be at fault for something. In fact... most things that suck in my life I might blame on my dad. Sure, why not.

What part of the brain is responsible for feelings of rejection? Does it get bigger everytime you get rejected, so that every rejection hurts more than the one before it? I wonder...

So yeah, she says that she really likes me and she still chats with me online and talks to me in person a lot, but really what am I doing? Every time I talk with its just a little reminder that I have been and continue to be rejected.

Oh, and in less than a week she's already bounced to another guy... so even though she says she's looking for something serious, it doesn't really look like she's looking for something serious.

All this is going to bite me in the ass. Because, you see, she reads this blog. So, if you made this far to see these last few lines, "Legs", that this blog is a place for me to vent and bitch about things that chap my ass (it says so in the description), and I never said your name so no one know who you are exept the two of us. I really do still like you, and I really do still want to talk to you and hang out with you... and even smack your ass a little... who am I kidding, A LOT! I'm just complaining about my own silly tendencies and I'm a little jealous of the time your spending with the guy who came after me.