I'm selfish

I really am. Maybe this is the next thing I need to improve about myself. The next thing I need to fix. I'm pretty sure if you ask people about me they wouldn't think 'selfish' right off the bat on their own, but if you gave them a likert scale and asked them rank my selfishness it'd be pretty high. Especially if you ask any of the women I've dated over the years. Ugh... I'm a little sad and lonely right now, and I'm taking it out on myself. Maybe that's the real thing I should be working on... nope. Let's stick with the selfish thing for a while.

I have a friend. A girl. With whom I am inexplicably interested in. She's having issues with her relationship, and all I can think about is myself. Well, that's not entirely true. I'm in conflict on this. She is a friend, and I do care about her well being. I want to help her however I can. BUT, at the same time I can't help about the possibilities that can result from a potential break up. I'd be able to spend more time with her. All the fun things that we plan to do will actually be able to happen, instead of being interrupted by a jealous boyfriend. Although, maybe there never was a jealous bf, maybe he was always just an excuse not to hang out with me. I want time with her. I want her all to myself. I want... that's the problem. Here it is again... the things I want, that I can't have... they're making me unhappy again.

Do I really want what's best for her, or best for me? The confusing part of this is that I think being with me IS what's best for her. I am such a better influence... although maybe she's not being influenced now. Maybe she is what she is. I like to blame certain faults on the bf, and I like to think that they'd disappear if she were with me, but maybe she's the influence. Maybe, that's just how she is, and I can't do anything about it.

Regardless... the point is I want to help her so that I can help myself. I want to say that I'm interested in helping her, but I worried that the only person I'm really interested in is myself. I can't stop thinking about this as an opportunity.

Is this how S felt? Was he this conflicted while he was chasing my girlfriend? Did he push her to leave me because it would be best for her, or for him?Would things be different if he'd stayed out of it? Being on the receiving end of this sucks, and yet I'm doing it. I'm pushing her to leave him. I honestly think it'd be best for both of them. Their relationship seems so broken. And yet, I cannot stop thinking about how this could benefit me. I'm sure S believed he was doing what was in everyone's best interests. The problem with that is that it was in his best interests too. And that's the problem I'm having... it's in my best interests for them to split too...

Selfish.

I tried to separate myself from the issue, and I was successful for a while. I needed to be angry with her in order to curb my infatuation. The problem is that I'm not an angry person anymore. The problem is that I forgave her, or I believed her when she disputed all the reasons I was angry. I don't know... I cyber-mumbling here.

I can't have her.

So I want her even more... that sucks.

But I can change! I need to change. I need to be more giving. Not just with this situation, but in life. I make everyone come to me, do what I want to do. I rarely go out of my way to help others. That's why I love Ray so much. That man will drop everything he's doing to help you if you need him. He would literally stop in the middle of something and drive half way across the country if you needed him too. And for no other reason than you need his help. I want to be more like that.

That will be my next big personality correction. Over the years I've had other 'corrections'. I used to be a very angry person, with a very short temper. I never hurt anyone, but I would get uncontrollably angry and punch walls, slam my head against desks (which is why I have a bump on my forehead), and break things. But I decided that doesn't help or change anything... so I changed. That was a big one.

This might be humorous to some who know how confident I can be, but believe me when I say I USED to be cocky. I thought I was better than everyone in a great many things, and it was really irritating to the people who knew me. So I changed... for a while I over corrected and became so humble that I wouldn't even take credit for my own achievements. Now, I'm happily confident, but only in the things that I feel I deserve to be. I hope that I don't become overly confident... if I do feel free to knock me down a few pegs.

Currently I'm working on a little correction. I'm working on saying 'you're welcome'. I don't like how when someone thanks me and all I say back is 'yeah' or 'mmhmm'. They took the time to thank me, the least I can do is take the time to properly respond to their thanks. That one's coming along well.

The next big thing is to be less selfish. By this time next year, I hope I'm there.


This post is all over the place. If you made it this far you deserve a high five. I'll give you one next I see you. Thanks.