I Must Apologize...

for my irregularity of posting lately and generally falling off the blog-o-sphere. The truth is... I haven't felt up to it. I'm at a low point in my life, and I've been battling a light depression. Right now, at this very instant, I feel pretty sad and lonely. I feel like there's so much I'm upset about that I can't begin to write about it. I think that once I start I'll just keep writing, and every entry will become an epic; and epic to failure.

That's not really true. I don't feel like a failure, but I am often unhappy these days. I get like this when I feel like I have too little stability in my life. If I have one thing that I can hold on to, that is unchanging, then I'm usually pretty good. Other things don't really bother me as much. If I've got a stable relationship, where I feel loved and supported, then Instability in my career is more acceptable. Likewise, if I feel secure in my job and I lose my girlfriend, I eventually bounce back and do fine. There are other things that I like to draw stability from as well, primarily dance, but those are the two biggest ones. Right now, I don't have either.

I am one of the many budget cuts occurring within the UNC system. I don't have a position to teach in the spring. And I don't know what I'm going to do. This is one of those times where it would really help to have someone. A special someone for moral support, but then I think about how I've pushed all those people away, and blah blah blah, cry cry cry, get over it and be a man! So I start to look for jobs. There are no teaching jobs in NC. At least none that I can find. All the promise I had at the beginning of the semester, all the things I was excited about, teaching Interpersonal instead of Public Speaking, teaching a section at St Aug's... all gone. Now I'm not teaching anything.

But I have my ups and downs. Just in the process of writing this a friend started chatting with me over IM and I'm feeling a bit better. So, on the bright side of things... at least on the job front, I'm supposed to have lunch with a friend from grad school sometime soon, and I hope that it's the type of lunch that deals with me coming to work with her at her pretty cool company on Centennial Campus.

Although as I chatted I got distracted from the message I was delivering here. So, that's another problem I'm having with the blog. I can't get everything I want to say out in a short post. I just keep typing and typing. Anyways... I'll try to do better, try to post more often, and maybe with less detail.

It's just hard. It's one thing bitching about the trials and tribulations of being single. In a way, dealing with crazy random crap that girls throw at me is fun. It's part of what being single is all about, but I guess it all goes back to Maslow. When we lose our base needs, or they are threatened, other things don't matter as much... our entire pyramid begins to crumble. When you lose your income, you don't know how you're going to pay the mortgage or feed yourself. Your base needs aren't being fulfilled... not to mention the loss of identity you suffer when you have to change your career. Especially one that you began to associate so closely with who you are.

Things are tough right now.