The days of my life

Someone referred to my blog as a soap opera tonight... apparently it's that interesting and dramatic. The funny thing is that most recently I've left out all the best parts. A new/old girl came and, well it seems like she's already left too.... but she was fun while it lasted. I won't say much more about her... she asked me not to talk about her here, so I'll respect her wishes. There's a new girl who's caught my eye at the dance studio, we'll call her P for now. I've only met her twice, and for only a few minutes each time. She has a cute factor, but she's probably too young for me to pursue... but this is me we're talking about here, and age hasn't really stopped me before. As long they're not one of my students, but they have to be old enough to be one... ha... no wonder my friends think I have no ethics... This girl's not even in school. She works full time instead.... And then it seems as though I've stirred things up with the big J... the only J that I've never actually gotten. I pretty much told her that I'm cutting myself off from her. I would do almost anything for that girl. She could call me in the middle of the night and I would come for her... that's why I can't see her anymore. She's never even given me a reason to care about her, and yet she holds a power over me. I giver her control... and I'm a control freak. Although I am conflicted. She sees this as losing a friend, and I think she's lost a few of those as of late. Our conversation has only been through email, so I can't be too sure, but I think I have upset her. Although, it's not like we really ever hang out much, if we do it's because I call her. I always work really hard to see her, why would she be so upset to hear this I can't see her anymore? She flip flopped on her boyfriend so much and got my hopes up so often... I just can't put myself through that all the time. I told her that I wouldn't be able to change. I wouldn't be able to stop flirting with her; to stop wanting her; that it would be unfair to her boyfriend for me to hang out with her and harbor such feelings. I know that I act on my feelings. Especially with her, I cannot keep them in check. While she has allowed my advances in the past, I cannot allow them in the future. But yeah, at the same time I'm sad and worried that I have caused her undue stress and sadness. I want to hold on. I want the conversation to continue. I check my email all the time waiting to see if she's responded to my last message, but I worry that she's given up and accepted the situation... or if she's just admitted to herself that she doesn't really care at all. I don't know if she ever really cared about me, she may just be more upset about losing my attention.

On another note... I've found NARUTO. Hulu has three seasons (each season has like 60 episodes) of the original japanese subtitled. That show is hardcore; people die! There's blood! And yet, it's very emotional. I have found myself getting choked up at moments... although it does often deal with orphan themes and growing up without parents that strike a chord with my daddy issues. I watch the show and think that the ninja stuff is pretty cool, but also think that chicks would be really interested in the relational bonds that are made and then tested in the story lines. As is typical of these shows, out of 30 mins, 15 is made up of credits, flashbacks, and foreshadowing... but with hulu I can skip past all of it and get through each episode in 15 mins. In two nights I've watched the first 20 or so. I think I'm hooked... although I don't really like the title character yet. He's too wreck less and self centered... although I do see how people can identify with him. He's still very much a kid though, and he has shown glimmers of maturity that make me change my opinion of him... temporarily.