Time Capsules

So I was doing some file management on my older computer, trying to clear up some space so I could run a good defrag, and I found an old video from about two years ago. It was a dance video from what might have been the first showcase I ever did. Ginny and I were dancing in Wythville, VA with Ray and Angela.

I remember some of the thoughts in my mind at the time the video was made. I remember how much work and effort we put into making up fancy, showy, intros for our most basic silver routines. But, I also remember feeling really good about our dancing. I can't remember... I think it was before our first competition together, but we were pretty confident about our abilities. You can see it in my face and my body actions... I really think that we are the cat's meow (oh yeah, that good), and it's evident that we're having a blast dancing.

Looking back on it now... we were awful. Terrible by comparison to where ML and I are now. It's embarrassing to watch and see some of the stuff I do. I look like a real idiot there with my arms flailing about and my actions so choppy and staccato, absolutely no fluidity of movement... but then it's kind of nice too. Nice to see that I have made improvements since then. That even in the time where I didn't have a partner I was still getting better. It helps ease my mind a little bit. For a while I've been feeling stagnant. I worry that I'm regressing, and that I'm not even as good as I was a few years ago... but seeing the video reminds me just how far I've come in that time.

But it also makes me sad. I remember the joy I felt at that time. I really loved it. Sometimes it feels like work now. Not always though. Today I played around with a new part of our cha cha, and it felt pretty cool. I had a lot of fun figuring out how to shape it and it felt like it looked pretty cool. So I still have times of joy, but it doesn't seem as though there are as many.

Although that's the thing about memories... they tend to be one sided. It seems like you never remember everything, just the good stuff, or just the bad. I think back to that time and I remember everything as being great. I remember dance as though we were awesome, and I remember absolutely loving to be on the floor with Ginny. I still catch myself longing for that time, when she was in my arms I felt like we could make anything happen on the floor. Dancing was so much fun. We would just 5, 6 around and around in an endless whip and nothing else mattered. She'd just look up at me, shift her tail back and forth in time with mine, the centripetal force pushing us to hold each other tighter, and I was so happy. It's one of my favorite memories of her. Just spinning with her. It makes my heart smile. ... but the point is, I don't often remember how much we fought over dance. How much we bickered about everything... the constant arguments. We rarely could agree on anything, and I don't often remember what our dancing really looked like (ie - not as good).

I need to realize that I've got it just as good now, if not better, than I had it then. I'm a better dancer now, the partnership is overall better, and I love my dance partner. I really love her. She and I are developing a chemistry on the floor and we work really well together. In the long run we have much more potential for success.

But you never forget your first love do you? Ginny wasn't really my first partner, but she was the first one to really work and be successful with me. I don't think I'll ever forget her, at least I hope I don't, no matter how much better I get. I kinda hope I always remember her and our partnership fondly.

I'm not sure what I'm getting at now. I think I'm just free writing. I still love Ginny, at least the memory of her. I love ML, and I'm excited for the potential to make new memories with her. I just can't decide if it will be the same or not; if I'll be able to make the connection with her, or if I even should. Maybe ML will get her own memories and connections. I'm sure she will... but when she does, what will happen to my memories of Ginny?

The moral of this post is: 1. keep a record of your activities so you can track your progress and know that you're improving and 2. don't start a post at 2 AM, especially one that's gonna make you reminisce about ex girlfriends...