I've been having trouble sleeping lately, which is pretty odd for me. I mean, it's not uncommon that I've had problems falling asleep in my past, but now I can't seem to stay asleep. I keep waking up fairly early. Now when I say early many of you will scoff since I mean about 8:30, and I guess that it won't really be a problem next week when I have to get up at that time to start teaching.
I went to bed last night at 3 AM, and I woke right up at about 6:45 this morning. I went back to sleep, but I had what I guess you'd call a nightmare. It was the first day of class, and I was doing my first day stuff in public speaking, but I was in the wrong room. I think the dream started with me finding out that I had been moved out of the good classroom up stairs and into one of the crappier ones in the basement (which is a true fear I have before classes begin; right now all of my classes are in good rooms, but things can always change), except it wasn't one of the rooms in the basement of Winston, it was one of the rooms in the basement of the 200 building from my old high school. Now, the 200 building was one of the oldest, most run down, and crappiest buildings at good ole WF-R HS. My students were acting just like a bunch of high schoolers act when a new substitute teacher walks in the door. It was insane. Complete disrespect. I began to introduce myself and the class and they started talking to each other, and just like high school the volume slowly increased; as one group talks louder the others get louder to compensate and before you know it there's a roar across the room. Nothing I tried would quit them down (after I woke up I even thought to myself of Y techniques I should have tired but didn't think of in the dream). I seem to remember arguing with them about something... I think grades, or how the class was set up. I was beginning to lose my cool and get irate when my boss, Christi walked in with this look on her face that said, "Dennis, what the hell are you doing in here?!" Then I started telling the class that if they didn't like the way things were set up then they should just drop, and that by tomorrow I'd have 25 more students trying to add the class to take their spots, but when I talked about that Christi tried to counter. Actually, I don't think she ever spoke, instead communicating with me through unhappy and disdainful looks of disapproval. I remember getting the message from her, in some psychic/nonverbal method, "Don't let them drop, the department needs all the money it can get. We really need these crappy students!!" I think it was about that time that I decided I couldn't deal with it and I head for the door. Just like magic, when I walked out the door of the classroom I woke up.
I guess I do still have some latent jitters surrounding the start of new semester. Not so much fears about the students or the types of groups I'll get, but fears about whether or not I'm respected in the department. I've been observed before and I've gotten outstanding marks from my observations, but I'm still afraid that one day someone will walk in and look at me with "What the hell are you doing" written across his or her face.
I need to leave the department. There are very few faculty there who really make me feel welcome. I understand where they're coming from though. The department is growing and they need fewer and fewer lecturers, and as a graduate from the program they want to be able to either brag about me or forget me. I don't think they can brag about me. I didn't go on to some prestigious doctoral program, and I guess working for them as a lecturer isn't a position they feel is good enough to brag about.
At orientation Dr. D said something to the extent of, 'don't get stuck in the busy high school hallway; afraid to move because of all the activity around you. Keep your head down and keep moving.' I felt like she was talking right to me. I'm stuck here in the hallway of NCSU, and I think they want me to move on. Although, the very next thing she said was that this should be our home and we should make ourselves comfortable here.
Honestly, I am very happy with what I do. I'd like to teach something else (and I don't know if I'll ever get that chance in this department), and I'd be happy staying here as long as they'd have a need for me, but I don't think they're happy with me around. They can't just forget me, I'm around all the time, and they can't really brag about me. After all, as a lecturer I get the distinct message of, 'You are replaceable.' The worst part is that I am. Every one's got a master's degree now...
On another note completely, I saw my Ex and her new bough(sp?) together for the first time this week. I'm not sure if they saw me or not... it doesn't really matter if they did. I was actually on what may or may not have been a date (why are things so complicated?) with a cute new girl in the department. We were sitting enjoying a popsicle and fun conversation when I saw them walk by in a very comfortable embrace... much like one I used share with her. Even though I thought that I was pretty good about all of this now, it still knocked the wind out of. It really felt like my heart stopped beating for a few seconds (not in the romantic way as much as the palpitatious way). There's a lot more I can, and kinda want to, say about all of this, but I've already wasted too much of my day on this post.
I'm supposed to go with the new girl to help get new kitten supplies (again not sure if this is a date; I could write a very long post about how this new girl is confusing me). So, that should be fun.
I'll try to have a happier post next time :)
Later that same day...
16 years ago
3 comments:
You, sir, have just engaged in the fallacy of "Forcing a Dichotomy", otherwise known as creating a false dilemma. You have presented your readers with the over simplified either/or choice of EITHER the department wants to brag about you OR they want to forget about you when in reality, there are many alternative viewpoints one could and should consider.
Thank you for giving me this opportunity to practice for the class I teach for the first time on Thursday. :) Ha! I'm going to be so annoying for a little while...
But seriously, don't get let fallacious things get you down. You've totally got an awesome, laid back existence and they are much more likely to keep you than to drop you. Experience and seniority matters, and you said yourself that you get top marks on evaluations. Face it, you're mostly happy and the source of what unhappiness you ARE feeling comes mostly from fear that you will be done away with and a little from a desire to teach something else. The latter should be your primary source of unhappiness as the former doesn't strike me as true. You say you don't think they are happy with you around with the implication that they are unhappy. I do not think this is so.
I believe that they simply do not care that you are around (and I mean that in the most neutral way possible with no negative connotation). They are happy enough to interact with you when they see you around, but if by "they" you and I are speaking of faculty, then these are really busy people. They are trying to publish publish publish while teaching while dealing with grad students while dealing with expectations of interacting with more and more PhD students. Some are trying to get tenure and others to maintain it. I just don't think they even think about you or anyone else that they don't see a lot of very much when you aren't right in front of them. (If by "They" you mean the office staff, then I have heard many comments that some of them aren't as friendly to ANYBODY as most would like.)
So you see, at least one alternative viewpoint. ARGUMENTATION AND ADVOCACY, BOOYA! COME TAKE SOME!
However, to be fair, your "brag about or forget about" argument does resonate. It has a kind of poetic feel to it. The bragging sells the program and the forgetting? Well, I'm not sure the faculty would put it that way about ANY student...they are happy to help them on their way to success and are happy to see them again if they drop by to visit after graduating. They just have to be in the moment and concentrate on students that need them right now and remember previous students as said students pop up.
Also remember that every person in every job everywhere is expendable. Some people who define their lives by their careers like to think they are not, but they are. They will quit or retire and the world will move on without them. Somebody will take their place and all will be hunky dory. It's not depressing; it just is. And that's okay.
All that being said, if you really want to branch out, check out Wilmington as a spot that has opportunities for lecturers to teach more. Also look into places like Pembrook and Western and maybe ASU? Might be some good opportunities not too far from home.
Please feel free to point out any fallacy at any time! I welcome it, and you are correct. I have oversimplified things here. However, they echoed the feelings I got at the orientation and cookout. Realistically its just a good business model for them to follow. Really push the graduates who have moved on to bigger and better things, thereby encouraging new students to apply for the program, and then not talk about the graduates who aren't doing anything impressive enough to advertise. I got the impression that I wasn't included in the successful group. Depending on how you look at it, this department has either really helped me out of the years or really given me the shaft. I have to look at as though they are helping me, and that I'm not doing enough to help myself. They did give me a job, but I didn't do enough groundwork or elbow rubbing to get an assistantship... then I didn't have the forethought to hook up with one of the newer faculty (with fat grant $$) to get a full time gig. But things happen for a reason, even if that reason is only to teach you about yourself and how to do things differently in the future. So, thanks Nick! Please continue to point out when I'm just bitching and using fallacies of reasoning to make my argument sound better.... wait a minute, isn't that what blogs do?
I may or not leave this post up... it's the kind of thing that could potentially get me in trouble. Where is line of free expression drawn on this one?
Heh Heh you said Phallicy...
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