I keep picking at it

After the movie, I was driving to meet up with folks at char-grill, when I was hit with a sudden burst of loneliness. I'm not quite sure why; maybe it was all the sword play in the movie. I thought of swords, then meat on a sword, then the steakhouse I didn't go to and the person I wasn't smiling at. I can't say that I wouldn't have gotten lonesome regardless, but I wouldn't have had that path there had I not been pickin' at my scab. Why do I e-stalk... all it does is give me fuel for feeling; feeling things I don't like feeling. If I don't read her blog, then I don't see how happy she is without me, and then I'm not reminded of how unhappy she was with me. If I didn't leave my AIM up I wouldn't know that she was idle all night long, and I wouldn't think of the possible reasons that she could have stayed out all night... actually I tend to dwell on only one possibility. And if face book didn't exist, I'd never have to see my replacement.

The triumphs and tribulations of living 'on the wire' as Dr. Wiley always put it. Instant access to information is an awesome thing, but it can have its downsides. I'm going a little too free form here... back to point now.

I'm not a good man. I'm jealous and I'm petty. I want to be gallivanting with an attractive, exciting, 'new' love. I don't want to feel lonely, I want to feel secure, but then when I do... am I happy then? I don't know. Maybe I turn off my feelings because I can't understand a single damn one of them. What happened to me? I used to be in close contact with my emotions, but as I get older the more I become a typical man. Ugh...

I sat next to Nick and Nicky in the theater, and I noticed that pretty quick after she got there Nick and she were holding hands. Now remember, I'm a bad man who's pretty damn self centered at times, and I see this and wonder... did Nick take hold of her hand because, in small part, of me and my situation? I'm pretty sure I've talked to him about how I, apparently, wasn't doing enough hand holding. Maybe that was a little reminder for him, 'hey, maybe I should hold Nicky's hand more here and there.' If so, then great. My folly is to their benefit. Or, maybe they always hold hands and I just haven't noticed before... I talked with Nick a little about my sudden bout with alone-ness, and I don't remember what he said, but it helped. I don't think he really understands everything, but he tries to and that's the important part.

I just keep thinking of a Ben Folds line... "One advice. Girls need attention." Although it seems that I was deafer than all... and now she's getting the attention she deserves, and me... well I need to try and disconnect; get off the wire a little more. Stop picking at these wounds and let them heal.